Monday, February 23, 2015

Musing Mondays - Is Fifty Shades of Grey Abuse?

Musing Mondays is a weekly meme hosted by MizB of Should be Reading. Anyone can play along! This is when we speak about bookish rants or issues, among other things.

For this week's topic, I am discussing a topic that has been on my mind for a while: is Fifty Shades of Grey Abuse? I am not judging anyone who read and liked these books. I know there are some people who may think liking this book means condoning Christian Grey's actions, but I am not one of them. I read all three books and liked them. Actually, I enjoyed the first one, the second one was just okay and the third one was pointless because it was so repetitive. I firmly believe these books did not need to be a trilogy. I don't think the writing was the best, but I did think some of the sex scenes were hot. Maybe that is why I kept reading. 


No, I don't have a problem with people who like the book. What I have a problem with is the people who say there is no abuse at all on Christian's part. The fact that he doesn't actually hit her or rape her doesn't mean he isn't abusive. But actually, there is one scene that doesn't sit well with me. It may not be rape, but it was pretty close. In the book, Christian wants to have sex. Ana doesn't. She is trying to fight him off and she tells him that she doesn't want to. She says no several times. Finally, he tells her that if she doesn't stop fighting him, he will tie her feet and gag her. I know that she ends up enjoying the sex, but I really don't understand how people can think that is healthy. My husband has never threatened to tie me and gag me if I kept trying to say no to sex. Here are some other parts of the book that completely got under my skin:

  1. Christian puts a tracker in Ana's cell phone and shows up at her mother's place, despite the fact that she has repeatedly told him she needs space and she has never told him where her mother lived or what her mother's name was. Sorry, but I found that way creepy. If a guy does this ladies, RUN
  2. He also uses the tracker to follow her to a club where she is hanging out with her friends. He does this despite the fact that she has told him she wants to stay exactly where she is.
  3. Christian is way too possessive. He almost gets into a fight with her male friend and doesn't Ana to spend any time with this guy. Christian also gets pissed off when she takes a phone call from her best friend Kate.
  4. Christian calls Ana "his" repeatedly. He makes an appointment for her with a doctor that HE chooses and tell her that she has to go on the pill because he doesn't like condoms. And when she objects, he tells her that her body is his. Ha, okay. Again, not a sign of a healthy relationship. I am proud to say that my husband ha never tried to tell me what birth control to use. He left that decision up to me because, well you know, it's my body and all that.
  5. People claim that Christian gets better and he changes because of Ana. Nope, not so much. In the last book (they are married at this point), Christian is insanely jealous and possessive because Ana dares to wear a bikini on their private yacht during their honeymoon. So what does he do? He gives her hickeys so that she will be bruised on purpose. He bruises her in places that makes it impossible for her to wear a bikini for the duration of their trip. I don't have a problem with hickeys, but I do have a problem with a man giving one for the sole purpose of marking his territory. Yeah, that doesn't sound like change to me. 
  6. Another example of Christian's unhealthy stalking behavior: he deposits a large sum of money into Ana's bank account. Not only did she try to refuse it, he didn't even give her the chance because he found out her account number on his own and deposited the money. How creepy is it that he just found that information? 
Those are just a few of the examples that I could think of off the top of my head. I am sure there are more, but it has been over a year since I read the books. Like I said, I did like the books despite the fact that I rolled my eyes every time he acted like an ass (which was often). But I honestly don't understand how people can still defend Christian's behavior. It is possible to like the book without defending Christian. 

I know there are people who say that this book is fiction and people are taking it too seriously. And maybe I am. But there are so many women who actually dream of a relationship like the one between Christian and Ana. There are women who use Christian's past as an excuse for his behavior and said he just needed the love of a good woman to change him. That is dangerous thinking. Christian is emotionally abusive and in real life, men don't change. Hell, he didn't even change in the book. That is where the danger comes in: when women start thinking this is an ideal relationship. I would never want to be in a  relationship like this one. My best friend was in a relationship much like this one at one point. They fought all the time, every time she wore something that looked nice or put on makeup, he accused her of cheating on him. He hacked her email, he followed her. She put up with this for years before finally ending it. If two people have a relationship like Ana's and Christian's, it is not romantic. It is unhealthy. 

Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? Do you think there are abusive elements in the books?

24 comments :

  1. What a great post - I haven't read the book but like in some films what sits well in the imagination would NOT play out well in real life. I wouldn't want a man like Christian in my life!! Thanks for visiting my MM https://cleopatralovesbooks.wordpress.com/2015/02/23/musing-monday-february-23/

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  2. Ooh boy it definitely isn't healthy. But, over the course of the trilogy it does show that the power of love can "fix" troubled people.

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    1. Julie, thanks so much for your input! I do think that is dangerous thinking though because that doesn't happen in real life. Also, he wasn't really fixed at the end of the series. :)

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  3. I'm totally with you on this!! I think the books are insanely abusive and unhealthy. I read all three and did think some of the scenes were hot, but I could not get past all of the controlling tendencies. It was ridiculous! It's crazy to me that people think this dude is the perfect boyfriend. I actually wrote up a whole post like things but have hesitated on posting it since my blog is young adult-oriented.

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    1. Thanks Lauren! I wasn't sure how people would react to my post either, but it was really bugging me. I hate how people are saying this guy is awesome and just needs to be loved to change. Ugh.

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  4. Christian & Ana's relationship definitely isn't on the up-and-up, and he does indeed do many things behind her back early on. However, the more brutal scenes towards the end are consensual even though they might have been more than Steele bargained for. I don't condone this type of behaviour, but I'm not against it either just so long as both parties are ok with it. Different strokes for different folks. I've read the entire trilogy & watched the movie.

    Carmel @ Rabid Reads

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    1. Carmel, thanks so much for your input! And actually, the abuse I am generally referring to doesn't have anything to do with the bondage stuff. Now as I understand it, the BDSM community has issues with the book because it does not reflect it accurately. But the emotional abuse is not okay, in my opinion. I just think the possessiveness and jealousy and stalking was crazy. Thanks for sharing your opinion though. :)

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  5. I have not read the book but really enjoyed your post. Not my type of book but it has been one many like.

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  6. Well, I just left a long comment here, but I think it got eaten because I wasn't signed in. What I was trying to say was that I appreciate your discussion of the "shades of grey" in the 50 Shade phenomenon. I see extremes in most discussions: it's either horrible rape or awesomely erotic, with no middle ground. The reality is more complex, and you touch on that here and I agree on every point!

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    1. Thanks so much Literally Tara! I really appreciate that. You are very right that the argument about abuse in Fifty Shades is very gray . . . no pun intended. Haha. I am glad you agree with my post. :)

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  7. I haven't read these books, so I can't say.

    But I've read other kinky books and in those the safeword means no. Sometimes no means no and the good dom respects that. Sometimes there are bad doms, for conflict and past trauma and all that.

    It sounds like the guy didn't respect her no, which would make him a bad dom, which really doesn't make me want to read the books.

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    1. Thanks so much storytreasury. Yeah, for the most part (except for the sex scene), I can't speak to the BDSM stuff in the book because I am not super familiar with that community and those elements. I have read that people who engage in REAL BDSM have problems with the accuracy in this book. Thanks so much for your input.

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  8. I haven't read these books so I try not to say much on the subject, but it is nice to see a post about it from someone who has read the books. Since the movie came out I've seen a lot of posts that people who haven't seen the movie or read the book are writing, and yeah, I agree that this does seem like it has some abusive relationships, and I in no way condone anything in it, but I don't feel like people who haven't read it should judge it so harshly. Just because, in general, I think that's wrong, not just in relation to Fifty Shades but everything.

    I think the main problem with this series is that there are women and teenage girls who are going to read it and think this stuff is okay. Like, I think it's fine for people to read it and enjoy it as long as they can separate fiction from real life.

    This is a really great post. =)

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    1. Thanks so much Shay! And yes, I agree that people who haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey should comment on the abuse aspects. I think maybe some people read different things on the Internet and decide to jump on the abuse bandwagon. I know that people think I am taking it too seriously because it's just fiction. But your last point is why I do take it seriously. I would not want my teenage daughter to read this and desire this kind of relationship. I would hate it! I did enjoy the books (or at least certain aspects of them), but I still recognize the abusive aspects. It just sucks that not everyone can.

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  9. I am with you on this. I have read (and HATED) the books, and will not see the movie, just on principle. I am a pretty open minded person in general, so for something to bug me this much, it has to be pretty bad, which I think this is.

    First, it isn't an accurate portrayal of the BDSM community, from what I have heard, anyway. I have read some articles from people who participate in that stuff, and they say that Christian's behavior is incredibly shady, and they would NOT tolerate his nonsense in their community. So there's that, right out of the gate.

    Now, the relationship. What the hell are we teaching young women with this? Like you said, he is TRACKING her, saying he POSSESSES her, and is treating her like a piece of property in general. I'm sorry, this isn't 1753, and you don't get to behave that way. As for the rape stuff... um, yeah, just because she had a biologically pleasant response to the actual sex doesn't mean it WASN'T rape, because if she said no and didn't want to have sex, that IS rape, I don't care what happened later.

    There is so much more I could say about this being awful (and don't even get me started on the horrific writing haha) but I will try to calm down now ;) FANTASTIC post!

    Shannon @ It Starts At Midnight

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    1. Shannon, THANK YOU so much for your comments. I really appreciate them. And I couldn't speak to the accuracy (or inaccuracy) of the BDSM stuff because I am not super familiar with it. But I have read comments from people in that community that indicate they are not happy with the book. And AMEN to the rape scene. That is exactly why people assume men can't be raped. They assume if their is a biological response then he must have wanted it. But I have counseled female rape victims before and they have the same biological response. They can feel extremely guilty because of it. I am glad that someone else feels as strongly about this issue too. I wasn't sure about this post because it can be a bit controversial. But I feel so strongly about it that I just couldn't NOT talk about it. Thanks again for your thoughts. They mean so much. :)

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  10. I haven't read The 50 Shades of Grey series... I'm not sure I ever will. I get a little leery when books like this take off and become what seems like a huge overnight success... I always wonder if it will live up to the hype should I decide to read a book that's a huge commercial success. Plus, most people I've spoken with who've read The 50 Shades of Grey series weren't too impressed with it.

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    1. Captivated Reader, yes I get wary of books with a lot of hype too. Honestly, even though I read them and enjoyed some of it, the writing wasn't that great. I don't judge people who love them but I was not super impressed either.

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  11. read excerpts only - wouldn't give it shelf room - it is abuse and I am not keen on any that is abuse - i have never fantasised about 'loving' rape - rape is rape. Maybe i am a prude but i have never understood it

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    1. Oh no Alberta, you are no prude at all. I get it. :)

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  12. This is a really great post - I wasn't a fan of the novel because of the abuse & characters. I don't think it's an accurate portrayal of BDSM either. I had one person even say to me "Christian Grey didn't push his limits, Anna just couldn't handle it." ARGHHHH .. The mindset is rather disturbing. Benish | Feminist Reflections

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    1. Benish, arghh yes that comment would drive me crazy. Actually, I have read a lot of comments even worse than that. It just shows how much victim blaming we have in this society that people blame Ana.

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