A year has passed since Ari gave birth to Walker, though it went so badly that she has trouble calling it a "birth." When Mina, who is nine months pregnant, moves to town, Ari sees the possibility of a new friend, despite her habit of mistrusting women. Soon they become best friends, navigating new motherhood together. This book follows three months of Ari's life as she struggles to find her place as a new mom.
When I first started reading this book, I thought it would be one I would have to quit before finishing. The writing style threw me off a bit. It's kind of a summary and the author bounces back and forth between the now of Ari taking care of her new baby and the past of her pregnancy and birth, along with her other various flashbacks. Also the author does not use quotes in this book. There were parts of it where I couldn't tell if it was something Ari was actually saying or what she was thinking. But I am so glad I pushed through and read this book.
The author is funny and scary and incredibly honest. Now I will admit that I don't have kids (yet) so it is impossible for me to say whether it was realistic or not. But I have known friends with kids and they have indicated some conflicting feelings regarding childbirth and motherhood. Ari is angry all the time and this anger leads her to discuss issues that most authors shy away from. She talks about the anxiety, loneliness, sadness, and struggle of becoming a new mother. Things aren't always pie in the sky fantastic after having a baby and this author does not shy away from that. One of the things she is most angry about is the way she gave birth to Walker. She doesn't even feel it was a true birth. She talks about an emergency C-section that she feels wasn't really needed. So because she doesn't give birth in the traditional way, she feels slighted and like she was denied something important to her. This affects how she interacts with the baby and with her husband. Her poor husband Paul, who has no clue how to handle his wife's postpartum emotions and has no idea why she keeps dwelling on the birth. He thinks that since the baby is healthy and everything worked out, she should let it go. She thinks that because she was cut open, she didn't actually give birth and she worries how this will affect the baby.
I love her relationship with Mina. It gives Ari something to focus on, it gives her some adult conversation so she isn't alone all day. She also becomes somewhat of an expert on breastfeeding, which she loves. Ari feels she screwed up with the birth, but she was able to make up for that by being a natural at breastfeeding. At one point, she becomes a wet nurse to Mina's child because Mina is having such a hard time breastfeeding. This part did seem unusual, but I kind of get it. The author emphasized just how unwilling some women are to use formula because of pressure. Mina's doctor advised her to use formula because her son was losing weight. However, according to Mina, the doctor (and even her midwife) never assisted Mina with her breastfeeding troubles or gave her any tips at all. So when Ari offers to do it for her, she considers her a lifesaver. And Ari feels like a failure in so many ways that she revels in the one thing she can do better than her friend.
This was such a great book. Here are a few quotes that I found especially powerful:
"Who can say I'm not a good mother? Who can say I don't read the subject headings in the books? The How to Care for Your Child if There Is Absolutely No One with Any Primal Knowledge Around to Guide You guides. What to Expect When There Is No Received Wisdom Whatsoever."
"The joke being that I'm not as lithe as before I fabricated and surgically evacuated a new human being, fuck you very much."
"He was born on a Tuesday after a long day of labor, but I did not "give" birth to him. He was not "given"birth. The great privilege. Instead, the knife."
"Was the baby difficult because the mother was having a difficult time, or was the mother having a difficult time because the baby was difficult?"
"If the world interferes with him, with what is loving and open and funny in him, I will rear up in full roar. I will break the world's neck with a swipe of my mighty paw, no warning. Anything fucks with this kid, I will fucking kill it."
Such a good read. I highly recommend it. I give the book a 4/5.
Wow, I haven't read any books about birth before and this would definitely be an interesting and essential topic to read about! Great review Cynthia.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jeann! This was also a new one for me, but I am glad I gave it a shot. It was a great read. :)
DeleteThat's strange that she would feel that she didn't really give birth to her child. My mother had to do three C sections. She had to do it with the first one but she was made to with the others which I've always thought was weird. The MC must be dealing with emotions that she just can't shake. I really hope that when I have a child I don't feel too sad afterwards but you can't really predict your reaction which is what this book seems to be saying. I love that last quote - I'd act the same way.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely Adriana. I don't have kids, but I hope that when I do I won't be too bummed out if the birth goes differently from what I am expecting. But I guess there are so many emotions and I think this woman just put all this pressure on herself. It was a very powerful book.
DeleteWell, this is quite interesting. It's a book that I might not intentionally seek out, but as a mother, I could probably relate to some extent.
ReplyDeleteJoyous Reads, I am not sure if I would have seemed this one out either. I just got it because the premise looked interesting on NetGalley. It was a good read though. Glad I gave it a chance.
DeleteInteresting. I agree that most books shy away from the difficulties of parenthood - or gloss over it. As a mom of three, I can say that it's not always easy, and sometimes us moms feel like failures because we read all the books that tell us how we're supposed to do it and it seems impossible to live up to it all. Sounds like this is an interesting read!
ReplyDeleteNicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction
Yes Nicole it really was. I don't have kids yet, but it was still nice to read a book that talked about all the conflicting emotions I am sure all mothers go through. I am sure I will go through some when I have kids.
DeleteI am pretty interested in this book, I like that it addresses some of the concerns that mothers have, like feeling like they are failing because they are struggling. Honestly, I don't know one mother who hasn't struggled, but I find the "mom community" to be one of competition and one-upmanship instead of support. So it makes sense that Ari is having these feelings.
ReplyDeleteWas Ari diagnosed with any form of PPD? It certainly sounds like it. I think the one thing that I will never understand is the whole feeling "less than" because you've had a c-section. I mean, I don't get it at all. I know a lot of women who personally feel this way, and I try to be empathetic of course but... why? I had two c-sections, and my kids are just as born as any other kids. I love a c-section.
I also really feel for Mina, the whole breastfeeding debate is another one of those hot topics that can send all moms into a frenzy. My kids were both formula fed. I never produced milk, but I was pretty happy about it, so it worked out. But I cannot tell you how many women agonize over not being able to breastfeed. It's just another one of those things I simply don't understand.
I think I should read this book, because I feel like I would gain a LOT of insight on how other mothers feel, and maybe I will be better able to connect with friends who are feeling similar things. AMAZING review, I am glad you liked it!
Shannon @ It Starts At Midnight
Shannon, Ari was never diagnosed with PPD, but I was thinking that while I was reading. Seemed like a pretty good case for it. I don't have kids so it was hard for me to relate to a lot of it, but it was so nice reading a book that was honest instead of just upbeat about parenthood. I think you should read it. Maybe other mothers could relate to a lot of the struggles Ari and Mina both go through.
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